Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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