She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
