Me. At least after what I've been through.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize