Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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