I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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