a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
