A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize