the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
