The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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