so let's talk penis.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
