i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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