I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
