you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
