I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
