You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I think I died a long time ago.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
