I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
