I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
