enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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