i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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