I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
