my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I woke up under a house in Key West
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