I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
