it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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