If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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