I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
