You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
