Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
