So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
