Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm passing your future prison.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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