rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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