I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
