the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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