Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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