If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
