So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
