This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
