I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
