I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
