I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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