Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i think i have two assholes
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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