Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i think i have two assholes
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
