i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
