He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
