I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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