Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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