yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
