she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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