You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
