she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
