my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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