We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
