she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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