I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
