a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize