I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
