did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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