K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
