My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
