My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
