i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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