Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
foreskin is a definite game changer
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
