mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
