Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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