You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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