How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
