he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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