This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
