I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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