It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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