i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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